Feeling Like a Tall Child

Death of the Artist helped me understand the harsh realities of the world we are entering. That is, if I want to enter it. But, I am compelled to push back on the fact that a lot has changed since 2020. During the time the book was published, there was a global pessimism- we leaned toward what was necessary- food, shelter, etc. During a collective fight-or-flight, the future of art seems unnecessary. And, even before the pandemic, we felt this with everything going on in the white house. And, during the transition from College to the “real world”, considerations of survival vs pleasure are to be deeply considered- before art comes “where will I live, how will I eat, bathe, breathe, and sleep” and it is only after these things have been considered that art can be made.

But, I have faith that once I have built these conditions for myself, art will be created. But, until then its like I can’t even think about art until the needs are met. I will be a mess for a while. Maybe a year. Additionally, I need to be employed in order to have all the basic survival stuff that is required to make art. So, that really comes first.

Since I wrote this last bit, I received my first job offer, and I accepted. I will be working as a Darkroom Photography instructor at Camp Winnebago this summer. It is short, and after the two months I will be left back in the dust. But, it is honestly ideal, it is nice at least to have something planned to look forward to after I graduate. And, located in Maine during the best time of the year, I will get to teach a subject that I love to kids. So, for those two months, I can at least count on my survival needs AND my artistic needs being met!

Summer camp has always fascinated me. The last short film that I produced was about my summer job as a boat inspector, working adjacent to the many camps. At Winnebago, I will have the chance to take pictures and develop them every day while also learning about how kids perceive the medium I am so familiar with. Also, it does not hurt that I love kids and I am good with them. During last winter break, in a desperate attempt to earn some cash I signed up to be a substitute teacher. I covered a computer class for a week and the kids started to remember me. The thing about being a substitute is that since i’m not there forever, I don’t have to give the tough love. The kids are already dysregulated from their usual routine being disrupted by this new person (me). So, I try and show as much empathy as I can. I give positive affirmations as much as possible. 6 year 6-year-old logged into their computer? “Omg you are doing so good!, you are so smart” And I can tell the the kids, especially the boys, are not used to being treated like this. And, in return, they would give me those positive affirmations right back. It’s crazy to think that all they need sometimes is attention and understanding. A couple times in the middle of class I would have a kid say that I am a good teacher/they feel understood and ask for a hug. It only happened twice, but how special!

As an artist trained in higher education, I often feel like one of these kids, looking to scholarships, grants, jobs, and professors for that affirmation- that I am moving in the right direction and not going backward, that what I am making has the potential to matter. And, as Death of the Artist covers, there is this pressure once we leave higher education to look to the masses for approval, aka randoms on the internet.

There is no immediate fix to this yearning for artistic/academic approval, but I find comfort in knowing there are kids and adults who also find themselves feeling like singer/songwriter (and former film major!) Mitski in her song First Love/ Late Spring –